Those Who Cheat: Why Do They Do It?

Marital affairs have always been a topic of discussion. However, with the overwhelming amount covered in the press with the most recent being Governor Mark Sanford of South Carolina’s affair, some question the mechanics of these situations.

 

Dr. Mira Kirshenbaum is the Clinical Director of the Chestnut Hill Institute in Boston, the Relationship Expert at Revolution.com and is also the author of the book When Good People Have Affairs: Inside the Hearts & Minds of People in Two Relationships. She joined Joan Hamburg on The Joan Hamburg Show WOR 710HD to discuss marital affairs.  

 

She said that an incident of an affair builds up. “It turns out that the more opportunities you have, the more resources you have, the more unhappy you are in your marriages, the stupider you are and do things like have an affair,” said Dr. Kirshenbaum. “It’s just a stupid thing to do, but people do it.”

 

Dr. Kirshenbaum said people in affairs, like Gov. Sanford all feel the same in their situation. They feel a sense of panic and fear and want to get the news off of their chest. However, she advises Sanford to “shut up, get the most trusted, wisest person he knows” to help him figure out who he wants to be with, his mistress or his wife. In this case, if he does choose his wife, Dr. Kirshenbaum said he has to do everything it takes to prove to her he will never hurt her in the same way again.

 

However, actions speak louder than words and the process of repairing the relationship has to be done “day after day” she said. Dr. Kirshenbaum enforces the idea that forgiveness is key and cheaters have to have a sincere desire to earn forgiveness while the cheated has to have the ability to forgive.

 

She describes an affair like a heart-attack for the relationship. When a family is involved however, things get more complicated and therefore she lines out six rules to follow when dealing with children in an affair stricken marriage:
1)Answer all the questions honestly: do not hurt trust further by failing to tell the kids the whole truth when they ask.
2) Tell them only what they can handle-make it age specific.
3) Never blame or run down the other parent, the kid will be losing their in-tact home, they do not need to lose the trust that their parents are going to take care of them.

4) Come up with a true-enough story between the two of you to tell your kids about the reason why you are divorcing and do not put the other in a negative light.
5) Re-assure your kids that you will always love them and that you will always be in their lives.
6) Do not ever fight in front of the kids!